Can someone please tell me what they think of my essay?

kids bicycle in singapore image

Mark

This essay is for AP English and is due tomorrow. We have to pick a prompt that college admissions use for the college essays. I chose "Discuss how your travel experiences have affected you as a student and a citizen of the world."

Here is my essay.

Traveling is more than just for leisure. Itâs the thrill of exploring new lands, and about making the most out of every minute. Itâs about experiencing different cultures; absorbing every bit of knowledge life throws at you. Itâs about opening your mind to previously taboo ideas; taking a chance. Like Cortés, we must circumnavigate the globe. When traveling, we seek for our inner desires, but we cannot ignore the plight of human indecency.
Before I went on this perilous journey, I was reluctantly taken to a seminar, explaining what I should expect. It was in the end of the fourth grade, and in the fifth grade, I was set to move to Beijing, China. The two ladies at the meeting told me I would be âculture shockedâ and was a âthird cultured kid.â These two terms dumbfounded my young mind. I didnât understand how I would be shocked; wasnât the U.S. like any other country? At this day and age, I seldom had the opportunity to travel outside the U.S., except for Canada. Furthermore, I was resistant to want to leave my small hometown of Lake Orion, Michigan, which, I had spent most of my life in. Traveling does something profound to you. Before I took that flight, I was trapped in a sea of conceited beliefs. It was me, who thought my town was the best, and was unwilling to want to take an adventure. For me, going to a different state was a difficult challenge. I would get homesick within a brief period of time. Thus, how was I expected to move to a foreign country?
When I arrived to Beijing, I could not believe the sights I was seeing. Bicycles were all over the place, and the streets were packed with chaos. Luckily, our Chinese cab driver knew how to ride the busy streets. Outside the window I saw families of five sharing one motorcycle, large vans toppled sky high with trees, and people knocking on windows trying to sell tasers. This is where I experienced the âculture shock.â In one of the villages, I visited the Dandelion Migrant School--a school for children whose parents have abandoned them and left them in Beijing in order to get a certain education. The children there were the most grateful kids Iâve ever met. Each kid was eagerly waiting at his or her desk, ready to learn with enthusiasm. With a smile on their face, each child chanted my name and said thank you in perfect unison. That is when I realized you can not take advantage of an education. Us in America are the lucky ones. We have the chance the become successful, but many of us abuse the privilege of education we have. In more undeveloped countries, children might risk dying in order to get as equal opportunity as we do.
In eighth grade, my family moved from Beijing to Shanghai, China. It wasnât too much of an adjustment. Shanghai gave me the experience of going to school in a city; something not possible in Lake Orion. While we were in China we got to go travel all around Asia. From Singapore, to Thailand, Sanya, Mongolia, Japan, and Vietnam. Throughout all these countries, I was able to experience the different types of cultures and traditions they have. In Vietnam, my family and I went on a junk boat cruise all around Halong Bay. There, I was able to kayak under the hidden grottos, and bask underneath the glistening sun. I was so close to nature, I saw a jellyfish and was able to touch it with my row. In Japan I got the chance to try authentic Japanese cuisine, go to their SeaWorld, and see the beauty of Mt. Fuji. In Thailand, my family and I relaxed at a wonderful resort with other friends from China, saw an acrobatics show, and went on an elephant exploration. I was able to ride an elephant, give it food, and even let it kiss me. They even had elephants walking around our hotelâs beach.
All these experiences are what shaped me into who I am today. Because of me moving and all other Asia, I now want travel all over the world. I want to go to Italy, France, the Maldives, Brazil, South Africa, Morocco, Egypt, Azerbaijan, Montenegro, Greenland, and more. Traveling at a young age has given me a sense of maturity, and has motivated me to be thankful for what I have, and to give back.

Answer
you essay is great. I would recommend to change your conjunctions to two words (ex:It's to It is).
the following are sentences that just sounded a little awkward.
At this day and age, I seldom had the opportunity to travel outside the U.S., except for Canada. Furthermore, (it seems like you are taking about the present instead of the past.)
When I arrived to Beijing, I could not believe the sights I was seeing. (Just say when I arrived to Beijing, I could not believe what I saw).
In Vietnam, my family and I went on a junk boat cruise all around Halong Bay. (what is a junk boat cruise)
Good concluding sentence

Where can you buy decent kids road bikes in Singapore?

Ethan

Answer
A bicycle shop?

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