What do you think of this short script idea?

kids bicycle delhi image

Jaskaran R

The very short story deals with a boy in India, who, along with his older brother and mother, are at a festival of Divali, where he sees a bunch of street kids being bullied a group of older street kids. The boy also realizes that, while he is at the festival, he is carrying his father's golden watch (who is now dead). As he is with his mother at the festival (it is his first time) his watch gets stolen by a street child in the crowd.
The boy runs after the street child, but he loses his track. Meanwhile the boy's mother is also running after him, and when the three of them get home, she beats him for running into the crowd like that. His older brother also yells at him. While the boy tries to explain his situation, he feels that his mother isn't seeing the way he wants her to see it. He is sent to his room to await his punishment for the next day.

A few months pass, and the boy is on a bicycle, going to his uncle's house for the summer, who lives in Delhi. As he goes there, he spots the kid who stole his watch from him at the festival.
the boy follows him on his bike, then confronts him, but the stealer's friends join in, and beat the boy up, and throw him off. A local stret kid ( the same one who was collecting the trash at the festival) helps him, and comforts him. he tells the boy that the one who stole his watch was named Ali. He claimed himself as the gangster of the delhi streets, and bullied all the street kids. he would take their food, or their clothes, or any other thing. All his friends helped him out.
Understanding this, he has a plan as to how to get his watch back. he tells the kid to assemble all his street friends.
Once they assemble, he states that they are going to approach his hideout, (where he lives) and forcibly drive him out of the city.
They arrive at the his hideout, and the boy tells him to leave the streets with his friends, or suffer the consequences (each of the kids has a stone or stick, ready to beat him). Ali isn't afraid of the kids, and says that he and his big kids will help him out, but the big kids back away.
Eventually, they drive Ali away, and the kids are all happy that the bully is gone.
However, when the boy enters his hideout to find his watch, he sees that the watch is broken. his last great memory of his father, gone. He starts crying, but is glad to know that within it is a picture of his father and him at the festival when he was two, which he pockets.

do you think this is good?

Answer
It's not a bad idea. It reminds me a bit of the watch story in Pulp Fiction. But there are some inconsistencies. In the beginning, the kid is at the festival for the first time...but when he gets the watch back, there's a picture inside of him and his father attending the festival when the kid was two.

And, if Ali really is the baddest kid on the block, why do all the other street kids simply agree to cast him out? Aren't they afraid of him? And, how are they going to make sure Ali stays gone after they throw him out? He's not afraid of them, so why not just come back?

How likely is it a street kid would hold onto a gold watch instead of selling it?

Just some things to consider. Keep working at it.

Beta readers, help please?

SH

Where will I find readers who will give me feedback about my writing? Here is one paragraph. What do you think? Does reading it make you feel to read what happens next in story? Thank you.
-----------------------------

âSuccess is a moving targetâ



âKalpane, you made us so proud. You will be first girl Engineer in our family.â
Kalpana was happy to hear it too but she didnât know after ten years this will be saddest day of her life. There was nothing to be sad about at that movement. After taking her education from Hindi medium, it was very hard for her to adapt to English medium junior college with kids from affluent families. In first year of college she barely got class C so nobody expected in second year she will get A Class. Her parents were so overjoyed they decided she would join Engineering studies.
Kalpana never had a future plan. Why not? Her view of world was very limited. Day started with mother calling to get up and help collect water from tab. Within one hour tabs will go dry and nobody in town gets water until next morning. Then help mom with household chores like swiping floor and cutting vegetables. Getting very good education is not as necessary as knowing house hold chores after all she is a girl. After all that is done get ready to go to extra coaching classes. She had to travel five-six miles daily on bicycle like all others. Yes in this part of India bicycle is main form of transportation. She had wished last two years only one thing â To show her classmates that she is smart, intelligent and can master English. Her aim was never to go to Engineering College but to have some friends or lots of friends. She had friends but only three. She always wondered how come everybody talks with my best friends but nobody other than these three girls talk with me. Anyway today she was very proud of herself and happy and in no mood to think about how joining Engineering College will affect her.


To marry unequally is to suffer equally.


Now fast forward to four years. It is last year of Engineering college. What happens when you donât have long term goals? What happens when you do things that you donât like? What happens when your parents donât have time to talk to you? Thatâs what happened to Kalpana. Her grades fell from A to D.

Answer
Look for an online english tutor with one-on-one sessions.

Look for a book or reading club in your town or city. A Public Library is a good place to search.

Buy Wren and Martin for high school and make it a point to complete one exercise per day.

Join a online support group or forum for English writing.

I have read similar short stories in magazines published in Delhi. You can google "Delhi magazines" and send your articles to them

There are lots of books you can purchase and read on how to to get the reader's attention.

If you have time and cash you can attend night courses on Englsih as a Second Language at your local college or university. YMCA/YWCA is also a good source.

If you want to learn for free then there are several online resources. Just google "English for hindi speakers".

Join British Council LIbrary if you have one in your city. Or just join some library.

When reading a book, keep a concise dictionary beside you, not a pocket one.

Listen to BBC Radio and Television. The subject can be anything.

Watch English movies with subtitles on your PC or Mac. With technology You can even slow down the frames so you can understand what the characters are saying..

Powered by Yahoo! Answers

Title Post: What do you think of this short script idea?
Rating: 94% based on 932 ratings. 4,1 user reviews.
Author: Unknown

Thanks For Coming To My Blog